I love the rain; the smell, the feel, the sight, and the sound. I guess you could say it appeals to 5 of my 6 senses which makes it almost perfect. The fact that it delivers nourishment and relief to my flowerbeds that have been suffering in the over seasonably heat just makes it that much better. I love flowers, they appeal to 5 of my 6 senses also; unfortunately, I don't always have the time or energy since my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) came into full rage to tend or cultivate them. Doesn't mean I've stopped buying them or trying, it simply means that sometimes I have to acknowledge that I still can't do everything I used to and learn to be okay with it if some of my beautiful flowers die on my watch. Not a happy thought, as a recovering perfectionist, but hey, I'm recovering isn't that the point? :)
Over the past month, since my last uplifting appointment with my reflexologist Sarah, I have noticed that I have started to be "interested" in things again. Its hard to describe, almost like awaking from a deep sleep, remembering the things that used to interest and excite you, remembering your dreams and wants you had in life. While this is all good and great, it is still frustrating. Wanting what you used to have; yet still having the limitations of your illness is hard. Wanting to be normal again, putting on that 'I'm normal" face for everyone each day (yes, I admit it is easier to fake being normal than try to explain to people for the umpteenth time - people who should already know) and than coming home and paying the consequences and having those who accept me and my limitations paying also. That is one of the hardest things of being ill, what it does to my kids and my husband. I see them want what used to be and it hurts me not to be able to give it to them. Anthony wrote me a letter in response to my telling him about my appointment last month. It broke my heart to hear him say, "I almost started crying at my farewell, as I sat on the stand and looked out and saw ALL my family sitting there together. I do hope you continue to do better so that when I get home we can go and do things together again." That just breaks my heart, what have I done to my children? I know it isn't really me doing it because there is honestly nothing that can be done in regards to some of my symptoms. That is the hardest for others to understand and accept- you can't and will never be completely fixed or whole again. It isn't something you chose to have happen to you, who knows if it is anything that could have been avoided, but wishing and wanting don't fix and don't make it go away.
I have noticed that since this experience began many things have changed about me and looking back I wouldn't change the new way I look at people and things around me at all. I feel that I used to be too judgmental, claiming that I wasn't and more critical than I wanted to be. Intermittent showers all day today, equals cleansing for the soul and a renewing of the Earth. Dinner tonight with good friends that don't expect my mask when I show up and fully accept whatever face comes, how thankful I am for them.
Paix
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