So I've been angry the past several days... angry at the world, angry at people, mostly angry at me. Being a recovering perfectionist it's my fault - its always my fault, I should have been able to prevent it or whatever. Yeah, drives poor Dean nuts.
Anyways, I've been beratting myself over "friends" or lack thereof. I never realized what a "scary" person I was. I've always considered myself to be a people person and very friendly unless you get on my badside - than I might scare you =D. I remember my mom and Mimi even saying that when they would go to Relief Society they would sit by themselves. When they went and sat by someone - it was just as good as sitting by yourseld - there just wasn't an empty chair. Eyah - been there, doing that - living that. My mom was very friendly also - so, is it just the look on our face? the air around us? what is it that makes people stay away, even if they know us?
I have had several internet friends over the past 2 yrs - almost 3 yrs now. Since I had my gallbladder taken out and Olivia has been going to school fulltime - I pretty much have no one to chat with - (Dean calls =] unless he's training) so I've been making friends on my game, chatting with them on Msngr. These are all great people, they have problems, yeah who doesn't? If you read my blog you know I'm spotless right? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. ahem, ok.... I have always seemed to have the ability to get people to tell me things - things they maybe wouldn't admit and are amazed they admit to me - amazes me too honestly. I can't believe people trust me that soon without really knowing me........but I am grateful, it feels good to know that people trust you, and I would never want to betray that. It's when it gets betrayed on the other side, that I start head banging and bashing and blame myself. I'm always told when they leave, break off our friendship, whatever...... you've helped me alot, thank you ...... it really has nothing to do with you... BS! Sorry, but if you are leaving a relationship with ME, it has to do with ME - it affects ME. One of my favorite quotes is: We cannot live for ourselves, a thousand tiny fibers connect us with our fellow men. How absolutely, amazingly true. If I'm pissy, my family is pissy, any friends that come over are pissy, anyone I pass on the road becomes pissy - I just don't keep it to myself. That would be really, really nice if that were possible - but it isn't.
I'm feeling better tonight - don't really know why but maybe its because I have come to this conclusion.......... When people say it has nothing to do with me..they are simply saying I'm scared, you've gotten too close. That's fine, it hurts but you have your free agency to say back off, I like you but don't want you near me. That's the crappy part of free agency that we all get to live with I guess, sucks but yeah whatever.
1 comment:
Kathee, I wish you wouldn't feel this way, just because I know how much it sucks. Kathee, I don't think you are a scary person. You ARE very sociable. Maybe the other people are just scared in general, you know? I know what you mean about being angry at everyone and thing. :P That bites, huh? Like everyone and everything you look at just makes you want to explode?... Well, that's how I feel at least :) Ha ha. I hope you're doing well. With love <3
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