I went to bed hmm I think around 11:30 pm, started reading my new book #3 of Percy Jackson and the Olympians. At about oh 3:20 am - half way through the book ;] I decided I needed some sleep =P. Eyah... notice here I am 20 min later. It wasn't that I had something on my mind so much as my body just didn't feel right =S, hmm.
Was thinking of starting to write a new book, very, very different than the current one but now that I'm down here, meh - I don't think so. Inspiration seems to be gone. I really would rather be up in bed but erm yeah. So I'll blog and annoy the heck outta any poor soul who happens upon my 3am ramblings. =D
Some interesting discoveries over the past few days..... you can never really be sure of who your friends are. I have been "friends" with enough back stabbing, two faced people in my life that I'm always a little leary. In fact its one of my biggest trials no days, how do you really know someone? How do you accept what they are saying to you at face value? The world is such a scary place these days and no one really wants to trust anyone or show anyone who they really are. Why? Because the world might actually be a better place for it? or because we are all so "me" driven that we can't see anyone else around us? maybe we don't want to.
I'll be blunt and frankly honest, its been hell for me the past couple of weeks. Months really but last two weeks the most. At first glance Dean would prolly say my meds are working but reflecting back on counselling sessions, they can only do so much. When the stress levels get out of control, there is breakdown - no matter what medication your on - it will show up, unless they have you knocked out - pfft I'm still up at almost 4am, that's highly unlikely =P. So, why is my stress in the red zone heading to overload? Lol, as my eyes immediately go to my frazzled looking lady on my wall that says, "I try to take just one day at a time... but lately several have attacked me at once." Yeah, something like that. I admit that I am open and honest on here but I don't think I'm ready to air "ALL" my dirty laundry just yet =P. Let's just say, there is good reason. Part of that reason is friends - or lack thereof. I've said in posts past that I don't consider myself to be a good friend. I give advice, I try to help when needed, I try to listen and be objective...but in my eyes, I still seem to fail somewhere - hmm recovering perfectionist mode again. Back to subject =D, how are you friends with someone you never met? How can you be sure that its really that person you are connecting with - well, you don't. I suppose that's where trust comes into play - something I fear I have a little too much of. What a horrible, awful thing to have to say!! UGH - just makes me cringe. We shouldn't have to fear trust or lack thereof - it should be natural and most of all - mutual.
I have friends who share their lives with me, intimate details oft times. I treasure these friends and the wonderful gift of trust they've allowed me to receive from them. I have other friends that aren't so open about themselves, those that while I refuse to use the word "hide", I would say are reluctant to open themselves up. Whether for fear of rejection, pain or who knows - it hurts. Ha ha, I know that sounds really strange but for someone who prides herself in other's trust - to find those that don't trust you - is actually painful. You start to question yourself - not them, why would this person react so differently to you than others? But there are no answers, for it lies not with you but with them, its for me, the hardest answer to face.
I reach out to others and receive joy, friendship, love, and companionship. When that is not returned, for whatever the reason - I recoil, like a snake has bitten me. Unlike a wisened elder, I like a toddler continue to reach out over and over again. Wanting to have faith and believe in that trust that was once there, that seems to have disappeared into thin air. Finding out that they are no longer the person you once knew, deliberate or not, makes a lesson learned; yet still there lies the tinies twinge of hope. Why would we succumbe to this time and time again? Why continually turn the other check until you look like your watching a tennis match? Why? Because somewhere deep inside, I know better than to give up on anyone - no one is lost until the battle is over and I refuse to leave anyone behind. Does this make me fool or martyr? I honestly don't know, but I know it gives me stress and heartache and the unending need to ask why?
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