It makes sense...that's amazing

I don't know if I can get everything that's jumbled up in my head out and making sense in this but I am going to try; for I feel the need to communicate my findings - if for no other reason than to see them written down and clarified.

Being LDS I have always believed that you are a spirit housed in a body of flesh and blood. Through the years I've had scientific friends tell me that everything is made up of atoms and molecules. I believe in ghosts and have heard them; I have friends that have seen them - no not an orb. Putting this together it fits together, it makes sense. We know that our bodies were created and formed from the earth - scientific, we've watched babies from the womb. So lets think about this, if our bodies are made up of cells and molecules and atoms - what do those create? Energy. So is it that far fetched to think that surrounding us every day is energy? Negative or Positive - some people call it moods but when your in a "mood" your energy reflects it and it goes out to others around you. Thus the saying, "if mom's unhappy, nobody's happy". Us - who we are - our spirit also contains this energy. Our bodies are merely housing for those spirits so that we might touch, see, smell, hear, and learn - gain knowledge that is instrumental for all living things. But we are who we are - dead or alive - just because the physical body dies doesn't mean that we stop being. I feel that we don't stop caring, worrying, wanting that cigerette or that drink. Our physical bodies have imprinted onto our spirit all the things it learns and it remembers. Just as I've learned the last couple of weeks that our spirits in return leave imprints on our bodies - making us unwell, not feeling whole - trying to tell us that the balance is gone, there is disharmony of some kind.

This is my second week at Life Changing Services with Sarah. I've known since my mom died that it was affecting me in ways that weren't good. I had lost my faith and trust in the Lord and have been drawing away from what I know is true. Not because I don't believe it, but because I'm questioning me...no faith in myself to be able to discern correct principles leaves no room for faith in anything else - one cannot believe in if one does not have a belief.

I always felt like I never grieved for my mom - that I turned it over to the Lord, felt better and tried to move on. After I had a miscarriage 2 yrs ago I crumbled. I hadn't completely turned it over to the Lord, my mind wanted me to think that - but my heart did not trust. I need to say this...I am having trust issues with the Lord - that he really will take it away and make it better and help me to feel whole again. He blesses me everyday and I acknowledge to him and to those around me- I see that; but I am not one of complete faith.

I found out today that no only was my mother's death traumatic for me, but also for my mother- which I knew. However, I wasn't comprehending that it was still traumatic for her, even though I KNOW things are the same here as they are there - I was letting myself believe that she was fine and happy and things were great. That's what we all want to believe right? That's how we placate ourselves? Sometimes it isn't true - and I think its okay to admit that. To acknowledge that not everyone is happy when they die - for whatever reason. It doesn't discount our faith, it just makes sense.

My train of thought is gone so I will leave it here and come back to it another time.

=]