I'm 40...really? REALLY?

Okay, its the 27th so I officially have to say that I am now 40 yrs old. I don't feel 40! ugh. Hopefully I got my mom's gene's - she didn't look or act her age until she hit about 70 and only than because she got ill. It's funny the perception we have of ourselves. I hate looking in the mirror - I do not see the person that I feel I am, I always get rather disappointed. I blame that for my getting fat - lol. As long as my clothes fit and I couldn't see myself in the mirror I was good - until we redid the bathroom and got a bigger mirror >.< booooooo.

I was originally supposed to spend my bday in Nephi - where I grew up. Not that I wanted to turn 40 in Nephi lol but Loreta Whicker is retiring and it was to be her reception. Well, they moved it to Mon the 24th and I didn't sleep at all Sat night nor Sunday day so I pretty much slept through it and didn't go :(. So I moved to alternate plans and intended to go spend the day with Steph and surprise her. Eyah, I'm just gonna stop making plans - I never seem to be able to keep them. *sigh*

I honestly swear I am either turning Bi-Polar or am definately in Peri-Menopause, now that I'm 40 will you test me?!? jimminee. So on the evening of the 25th around 5pm it had been a good day. No mood swings, getting things done- yada yada....until 5. I have no idea what happened at 5 o'clock but I hit below dirt. I felt bad about it but couldn't do anything to prevent it or pull myself out of it. I took my extra anxiety pills - nothing. I felt bad cuz my daughter wanted to give me a hug- I wanted nothing to do with her, my son wanted to drive home- I wouldn't let him, one of my friends on fb tried to chat but I was taking the chat the wrong way- I wasn't in the mood to be playful, a couple of friends on msn tried to see what way wrong - I ignored them. Ugh....I don't get that mood often and I'm really glad because it scares me and I hate it with everything I have. I wanted to not be touched, not have any one around me - I even tried to go sleep on the couch but it wasn't comfy like normal so I went upstairs and was grumpy in bed. Needless to say I felt like crap this morning! My head hurt, my chest hurt, my sinuses hurt, and I was still grumpy - but not as bad. So, I stayed in bed (nice to have the day off =] ) and didn't get to Steph's =[....yeah that added to the mood- I'm such a good friend...not. Anyways, so Happy Birthday to me, I'm the poop at the party lol.

I was really surprised at how many ppl said Happy Birthday on fb. Really surprised....it was nice. =] and a couple of really good friends sent me some funny bday emails and songs - that helped -Mel decided not to hate me for ignoring him (♥) and actually had me laughing within the half hour. Linda and Dave surprised me by coming up for dinner with us and bringing me a cake. =] and than it was off to the final band concert of the year. The first I've actually been too this year >.<>]. I turned rice into flour and thus got rice dust ALL over my kitchen - oops and made up another batch of Quinoa. Tomorrow I must make bread (ok later today), cookies, cash checks, do laundry - yeah, I'm gonna need that Quinoa.

Another Sabbath Day Asunder....

So its been a rather emotionally stressful week - I know, when isn't it it seems at my house. This week was a little different - different emotions. Anthony's Eagle Project got approved - WAHOO! (good emotion) he starts on it as soon as school gets out. He is remaking the video aids that the Elementary School Counselor uses to teach the kids values. Its easily a 100+ hr project with him doing what he loves, filming, editing and directing. =] Anthony also has been having a difficult time passing his 1 night school class. He's passed 3 already but this last one is giving him angst- therefore he is very frustrated and discouraged and afraid he may have to take summer school which would put pressure on his Eagle Project and the possibility of a job. (tense emotion) Benjamin came down strep AGAIN this week and missed almost the entire week of school. (frustrating emotion) His strep keeps getting more frequent with worse symptoms each time. Missing school just adds to his missing assignment frustration and bad grades when he knows he can do better. He is looking towards a tonsilectomy this summer. (not sure emotion) Olivia is Olivia and a mini-version of her mom, not necessarily a good thing. She has had a school performance that she's been excited about for weeks but been scared silly about also- she's has been stressing over the school spelling bee- friends and church activities. Typical 9 yr old little girl stuff - atleast I hope. 0_o Dean is in process of becoming certified in one of the software programs the U is changing to this fall. He has had to take numerous tests and complete projects - along with heading up 3 projects at work, his calling as Executive Secretary in the Ward and kids stress and a wife who still isn't well. (major stress) Me? I still am not sleeping....I thought that was changing - they put me on steriods last week to try to cleanse a lung infection but when I went off the steriod the wheezing came back =P. I did sleep somewhat better this past week which of course was offset by the fact I slept not at all last night and have maybe slept 2 hrs today =D gotta love it. Some of my stress was relieved this week when I got to cry. I don't cry as easily as I used to. But when I found out Wed that my best friend from HS had surgery for Thyroid Cancer - it just wasn't stoppable. I know it isn't my place to tell the Lord what trials I will and will not have but really? Can I just keep some of those I love around me?

Haha - yeah like the country song says, "sounds like life to me" and it is around here. =] Nothing new, (except the friends illness) same old same old.

I taught RS on Tues night - interesting. I haven't been to church meetings except maybe once so far this year. Saturday and Sunday are my crash days when there is another adult at home and I am allowed to sleep - my body takes full advantage unfortunately. It didn't go too bad since I was teaching a mini lesson on visiting teaching being that I am the visiting teaching co-ordinator. The other mini classes were fun to listen to - yes- I stayed - I know everybody fall over =P. I simply worked well into the next morning - again, nothing new.

So I believe I know what causes idiotic mid-life crisis - as I hit my mid-life (I hope) this week. (meaning I hope its midlife not sure I want to live to be 80 but you understand) I'm not where I thought hoped I'd be at this age. Lol, yeah I know - since when does life go the way anyone plans it. I never really had plans, I've always just kind of let the Lord take me where I've needed to be. I'm talking about myself personally. I've never wanted to be this overweight - I've never wanted to be emotionally changed more than I was as a teenager, especially not at this age - and many other things. Of course, most of it is my fault. When Dean and I married - I had a gym membership and I went every morning before work. When the company closed its memberships I simply stopped going. I lived in downtown where it isn't easy or sometimes safe to go riding a bike or walking alone. Yet for many years after I started having my kids I told my dad - I really need to start lifting weights again......well we can see that never happened. There are most things about your life that you cannot control - you can only control how you react to them. I fear in this area I have let myself down but than I try to remember that when your down the only place to go is up =].

I believe the technical term is....Stupid.

Well the first stupid thing is my internet. I'm supposed to be screaming and I'm moving slower than dial up >.> - gah. Good thing I'm procrastinating and not working or I'd be more than a little peeved and fed up.

So my goal of being fabulous at 40 didn't work..LOL...I keep dreaming -now I've decided I'm 40 for a WHOLE YEAR right? =]. Things are in process so hopefully all of it will come together and not only will I be looking fabulous weight wise but also sleep wise with no dark circles under my eyes ;]. Cross your fingers and toes too.

So I sit here and have to wonder about my life. Certain instances that keep occuring, pain felt, and I just have to say ...ugh. I mean I wouldn't change who I am for anything, I could do without a few trials but hey, couldn't we all? I'm talking about things that make me who I am that can benefit a person or really hurt me. Okay lets get this straight, I'm not being egotistical, I'm being honest. There is something about each of us that attracts and helps others. We do not attract all, usually only those that we can benefit. Me? I'm too trusting...too gullible...too nice (at times - depends on the day and who you are) and I usually don't know how to say no.

Over the past 15 yrs my life has changed from busy executive stressed with migraines every weekend to work at home mom running carpool, etc - still stressed - still with occasional migraines. Life has been interesting since moving to work at home - there's me, my computer, and up until 3 yrs ago - a child under foot 24/7. No office chatter, no hey lets take break, no break chatter - well you get the idea. I used to call my mom and my sister (work at same office) most every day (they worked in home also) and would chat away for hours - for both of us it was our "office" chatter. =] Tv's in the background, chit chat, silence - it was nice. Than about 4 yrs ago I changed I guess. Now its just me, my computer, upside sleep patterns - if there is sleep, and almost no outside contact at all. Most of the time I'm just too tired to care, I notice its just me -I've never been a fan of my own company =] - but I just have to shuffle through cuz things have to get done. I've made online friends in the past four years - some have come, some have gone - some have come, gone, come, gone and come again lol. I will say it now...I the recovering perfectionist is...A PEOPLE PLEASER. I absolutely hate confrontation. Don't get me wrong - DO NOT cross my path because an icy tone accompanies the major horomonal rush that gets me beyond mad - I get angry. >.< I have learned over the years that anger is not a good thing. Combined with stress it is actually hurting me. So, I turn my attention to others, I try to help them, I'm sure they don't want to be but for a short time, they put up with me. =]

So the stupidity? Really isn't. I need to keep believing in people - its who I am, I need to keep trying to be nice - its what I need, but I think I can do without the gullible part. People are different, not everyone is the same - I believe we are here to learn to co-habitate. I don't want ppl just like me, wow I would ANNOY myself non-stop =D.....I feel we should learn to love people for who they are - not who we want them to be. We should expect to be loved for ourselves - not what people expect of us and we should enjoy the differences that we have to offer.

I love the people in my life for who they are to ME...not to someone else. ♥