Still UP

Hmm....I had thought these days of sleeplessness were over - my new medication helps you feel tired, besides the lovely side effect of dry mouth. My insightful and wonderful sister in law read my last posting and helped me by posting a great response - thanks Mikey ♥.

I'm not quite sure what I want to write tonight or this morning =P but I know I opened this browser for a reason. Why do we have to have regrets? Why can't both sides of a difference be seen, accepted and moved forward with? Yes, I know that with most people they can and you would think if you knew me well enough you would know that all my stupidity and ignorance comes from well meaning and some can see that but others still won't accept. You can't force someone to forgive you - I guess that's my Lucifer complex, my control freak action. But even when you see what you've done and it has done no harm in the physical sense - you still can't make it better. =/ Sorry, I know I'm not making sense to anyone else but myself yet this is what happens at 10 to 2 in the morning.

Bless Dean's heart, I truely could not ask for a better man. He puts up with me and my stupidity, my controlling issues, and somehow at the end of the day still loves me. All around us our children's friends parents are getting divorced, my friends from HS are or have gotten divorced and I just have to wonder at it all. Why? What could this person have done or did you just let the love die? and if you did - isn't the what communication is for - or is that the real cause? I don't have an answer for them but I know that I don't want to lose my hubby. No, for the family reading this, there is no problem with Dean and I =P. I am just looking at reality and the fact that you remember when I posted my "25 things" and I said I keep friends longer if they're guys? Yeah well, it appears I don't keep any friends. =/ All of my friends from the past 4 years are now officially AWOL. One or two left of their own accord, but it always runs back to me. I think my mother called it my "fix it" mode. I like to help, I like to be involved and in my world, that's not a bad thing. However, when you enter the "real" world and not my secluded little section - it is a bad thing and without realizing it I cross lines that my mind doesn't know exsist until it's too late. *sigh - Now I try to learn the lovely lesson of "letting go". Eyah, I have a problem with this, don't get me wrong - I have no glorious epiphanies of granduer and that everyone loves me. Ha ha - quite the opposite...the control freak in me wants to know why, what did I do, how can I fix it, how can I make it so that you don't think badly of me. At one point in my life, I only suffered with this for like maybe a week or so and than I was over it - well, working from home and having life be just me and my computer has dumped me right back at the beginning. =] I love my online friends, they are real to me...yes, I know, there is the bad with the internet as well as the good. You see I'm not stupid and I do have a great gut sense (some call it inspiration) regarding people. I usually like to follow that up with information so that I know they're real. Only one out there I think completely took me but the only damage done was a broken heart and ego on my side when I realized how naive I had been. I still think of this person, not fondly, but he crosses my mind. You see to me, the person I get to know is the person on the inside - lol that freaks alot of people out but it is the reassurance I need. I am definately one of those that believes that people come into your life for a reason.... I just wish some would stay there.

Faith versus Hope

I've been thinking recently how Faith and Hope differ. So, I'm going to look up the definitions....

HOPE: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
FAITH: confidence or trust in a person or thing

Okay, they are related...yet vastly different. I could have "hope" in a friend accomplishing something; however, having "faith" that they will accomplish it makes it easier to cheer them on and will assist them in their accomplishment. I don't believe that statement quantifies it. Let's try this: I have "hope" that my friend will return, yet even if he/she doesn't, I have faith that they will be taken care of. Yeah, I think that sums it up better for me. Hope can be easily shattered or discarded. Hope like the word "love" I believe is used too loosely in the world today. When people say "Oh I hope it's me" it's kinda of hollow. Just as saying "I Love You" too often becomes just a habit and not a declaration of true feelings.

I "hoped" that my best friend would understand, would overlook, and pretty much just still be my best friend. However, when hope died, "faith" came to my rescue. I am now comforted to know that through my "faith" that my friend "will" acknowledge the truth of the opposite opinion and until than, protected and cared for. =] That gives me comfort. It doesn't take away the longing or the regret but it does help me continue on and lol - yes, it gives me just a little bit of "hope" again.

Different stupid things are starting in my body. *sigh, no its not the magical age of 40, they were there before - Dr's just didn't hear. Lol, so my body is now SCREAMING at them through me - how rude. ;) Two upcoming Dr appts this week, plus I need to get Anthony's toe looked at again - school starts in a week. Yay - Yippee =P

Retrospect

My pills must not work at all during a certain time of month, atleast that's what it feels like. No, I am not going to go to someone and tell them so they can give me more pills to take! Maybe I'll try something natural or hopefully soon I'll be able to excercise it away. =]

I believe that looking back can be a good thing; as long as you don't remain there. We are to learn from our history and past mistakes, not drown ourselves in them. I seem to be having that problem. I like the person I used to be, the person I am now seems to have too much crap she's holding onto and I am having a hard time making her purge it. I agree with the statement of "There's a reason why people in your past didn't make it to your future"....yet sometimes I have the hardest time letting go. Even reading how much they distrust me and hate me my memories are fond ones, happy ones, and filled with love. How do I not have hope when I am supposed to be filled with it? Lol...there's your brainteaser for the day. :D

Anthony assigned me one of his scripts to write...Hardwork. Well, yeah I know what hard work is, I expect 110% out of myself and atleast 80 or 90 from my kids on a regular basis. (ok I expect 100 by they give me 80 or 90 =P) Hard work is something you know, something ingrained in you, something you do out of respect for yourself and who your doing a job for. I don't want to simply make promises in a video that don't hold true to life...that's my mountain I need to get over. Hmm, he needs to finish these by (film in the can as they used to say) by the end of this month so that it doesn't conflict with his school work. Hmm...I might have an idea :D but I would welcome anyone else's as well.

So my ordeal atm is trying to figure out how during one week of the month I keep myself focused - on ANYTHING. It's very strange to actually "zone" out, I don't think I've ever really done that my entire life~! 0_0 weird. Idea's?