Still UP

Hmm....I had thought these days of sleeplessness were over - my new medication helps you feel tired, besides the lovely side effect of dry mouth. My insightful and wonderful sister in law read my last posting and helped me by posting a great response - thanks Mikey ♥.

I'm not quite sure what I want to write tonight or this morning =P but I know I opened this browser for a reason. Why do we have to have regrets? Why can't both sides of a difference be seen, accepted and moved forward with? Yes, I know that with most people they can and you would think if you knew me well enough you would know that all my stupidity and ignorance comes from well meaning and some can see that but others still won't accept. You can't force someone to forgive you - I guess that's my Lucifer complex, my control freak action. But even when you see what you've done and it has done no harm in the physical sense - you still can't make it better. =/ Sorry, I know I'm not making sense to anyone else but myself yet this is what happens at 10 to 2 in the morning.

Bless Dean's heart, I truely could not ask for a better man. He puts up with me and my stupidity, my controlling issues, and somehow at the end of the day still loves me. All around us our children's friends parents are getting divorced, my friends from HS are or have gotten divorced and I just have to wonder at it all. Why? What could this person have done or did you just let the love die? and if you did - isn't the what communication is for - or is that the real cause? I don't have an answer for them but I know that I don't want to lose my hubby. No, for the family reading this, there is no problem with Dean and I =P. I am just looking at reality and the fact that you remember when I posted my "25 things" and I said I keep friends longer if they're guys? Yeah well, it appears I don't keep any friends. =/ All of my friends from the past 4 years are now officially AWOL. One or two left of their own accord, but it always runs back to me. I think my mother called it my "fix it" mode. I like to help, I like to be involved and in my world, that's not a bad thing. However, when you enter the "real" world and not my secluded little section - it is a bad thing and without realizing it I cross lines that my mind doesn't know exsist until it's too late. *sigh - Now I try to learn the lovely lesson of "letting go". Eyah, I have a problem with this, don't get me wrong - I have no glorious epiphanies of granduer and that everyone loves me. Ha ha - quite the opposite...the control freak in me wants to know why, what did I do, how can I fix it, how can I make it so that you don't think badly of me. At one point in my life, I only suffered with this for like maybe a week or so and than I was over it - well, working from home and having life be just me and my computer has dumped me right back at the beginning. =] I love my online friends, they are real to me...yes, I know, there is the bad with the internet as well as the good. You see I'm not stupid and I do have a great gut sense (some call it inspiration) regarding people. I usually like to follow that up with information so that I know they're real. Only one out there I think completely took me but the only damage done was a broken heart and ego on my side when I realized how naive I had been. I still think of this person, not fondly, but he crosses my mind. You see to me, the person I get to know is the person on the inside - lol that freaks alot of people out but it is the reassurance I need. I am definately one of those that believes that people come into your life for a reason.... I just wish some would stay there.