Duplicity

Interestingly enough there are days when some of the pettiness of my life doesn't seem to matter. I can delete contacts in my Msgr without feeling remorse or hurt or afraid that I might "miss" a non-exsistent msg. =] I like these days, I feel free. Free from the depression, free from most guilt, (ha ha) and free from stupidity. All of course emanate from me. My therapist and my hubby forever tell me it's the "perfectionist" in me - I don't like anyone mad at me, I feel like I should be able to fix it - and the "control freak" part of perfection gets depressed when people make their own decisions and don't respond - cuz they used to. =[ Hope that made sense. Anyways - I like days when I'm just me... not a perfectionist, not a control freak and think - so what, its their LOSS to cut me out of their life, instead of focusing on the hole it leaves in mine.

Ha ha - an example of my "perfectionism" : last night Dean, Olivia, and I went to Wal-mart for a few things. As we were leaving we, of course, left out the EXIT door - as another family was going IN the Exit door - ROFL. The mom, she must be a little like me - turned to me and said "pardon us, we use the exit to enter". I laughed with her and moved out of her way but Dean knew - lol. It did sound funny and I was grateful to actually hear someone say something like that. Than I did admit - that is a HUGE pet peeve of mine at Wal-mart - ROFL maybe one of the reasons I don't like to go there. Yes, I go in the Enter and out the Exit =P and I am slightly annoyed at those that deliberately do opposite. ha ha ha ha. In my eyes - why does Wal-mart even try? Pfft just take the stupid words off and all of us will be happy and slightly more bruised XD.

A tangled web we weave

I went to bed hmm I think around 11:30 pm, started reading my new book #3 of Percy Jackson and the Olympians. At about oh 3:20 am - half way through the book ;] I decided I needed some sleep =P. Eyah... notice here I am 20 min later. It wasn't that I had something on my mind so much as my body just didn't feel right =S, hmm.

Was thinking of starting to write a new book, very, very different than the current one but now that I'm down here, meh - I don't think so. Inspiration seems to be gone. I really would rather be up in bed but erm yeah. So I'll blog and annoy the heck outta any poor soul who happens upon my 3am ramblings. =D

Some interesting discoveries over the past few days..... you can never really be sure of who your friends are. I have been "friends" with enough back stabbing, two faced people in my life that I'm always a little leary. In fact its one of my biggest trials no days, how do you really know someone? How do you accept what they are saying to you at face value? The world is such a scary place these days and no one really wants to trust anyone or show anyone who they really are. Why? Because the world might actually be a better place for it? or because we are all so "me" driven that we can't see anyone else around us? maybe we don't want to.

I'll be blunt and frankly honest, its been hell for me the past couple of weeks. Months really but last two weeks the most. At first glance Dean would prolly say my meds are working but reflecting back on counselling sessions, they can only do so much. When the stress levels get out of control, there is breakdown - no matter what medication your on - it will show up, unless they have you knocked out - pfft I'm still up at almost 4am, that's highly unlikely =P. So, why is my stress in the red zone heading to overload? Lol, as my eyes immediately go to my frazzled looking lady on my wall that says, "I try to take just one day at a time... but lately several have attacked me at once." Yeah, something like that. I admit that I am open and honest on here but I don't think I'm ready to air "ALL" my dirty laundry just yet =P. Let's just say, there is good reason. Part of that reason is friends - or lack thereof. I've said in posts past that I don't consider myself to be a good friend. I give advice, I try to help when needed, I try to listen and be objective...but in my eyes, I still seem to fail somewhere - hmm recovering perfectionist mode again. Back to subject =D, how are you friends with someone you never met? How can you be sure that its really that person you are connecting with - well, you don't. I suppose that's where trust comes into play - something I fear I have a little too much of. What a horrible, awful thing to have to say!! UGH - just makes me cringe. We shouldn't have to fear trust or lack thereof - it should be natural and most of all - mutual.

I have friends who share their lives with me, intimate details oft times. I treasure these friends and the wonderful gift of trust they've allowed me to receive from them. I have other friends that aren't so open about themselves, those that while I refuse to use the word "hide", I would say are reluctant to open themselves up. Whether for fear of rejection, pain or who knows - it hurts. Ha ha, I know that sounds really strange but for someone who prides herself in other's trust - to find those that don't trust you - is actually painful. You start to question yourself - not them, why would this person react so differently to you than others? But there are no answers, for it lies not with you but with them, its for me, the hardest answer to face.

I reach out to others and receive joy, friendship, love, and companionship. When that is not returned, for whatever the reason - I recoil, like a snake has bitten me. Unlike a wisened elder, I like a toddler continue to reach out over and over again. Wanting to have faith and believe in that trust that was once there, that seems to have disappeared into thin air. Finding out that they are no longer the person you once knew, deliberate or not, makes a lesson learned; yet still there lies the tinies twinge of hope. Why would we succumbe to this time and time again? Why continually turn the other check until you look like your watching a tennis match? Why? Because somewhere deep inside, I know better than to give up on anyone - no one is lost until the battle is over and I refuse to leave anyone behind. Does this make me fool or martyr? I honestly don't know, but I know it gives me stress and heartache and the unending need to ask why?

Why do people have to Judge?

I think I addressed this last week but the problem is still there and its eating at me. Really drives me nuts. I know, I know, you can't please everybody at all times and not everyone is going to like you - BUT if they did like you at first why did it change or were they just faking? I really, really wonder at times. And if they were faking - why? what's the point? Humiliation? I don't get it.

A year ago someone judged me unfairly; they simply did not agree with my way of doing things. Okay so since when is it a prerequisite that friends always have to agree or do things the same? It's not. However, this person went so far as to not just get up in my face about it, but to tell mutual friends that I was untrustworthy, not a good friend, yada yada. Well, they had been friends longer with him and you get the idea. This person has since been found to be slighty psychotic and obsessed - hence the anger towards me but I still don't consider it an excuse. Now, a year later, I'm faced with this again, from a different person. Why can't people see that people need different things from different people? If I get coddled from this friend, I don't need the other one to do that - I need them to be reasonable or funny or whatever the case may be. People are in our lives for reasons that we don't always know but I can guarantee that none of us are in each other's lives for the same reason. I hate being judged unfairly, I hate people thinking that I could or would hurt someone deliberately - if they knew me at all, they would know thats not me. Vengeful yes, I will admit to that, but not to someone who has done nothing to me - not to someone I love and protect.

It's sad to lose supposed friends because they can't or don't want to see what's in front of them. Heartbreaking to know that someone thinks your capable of lying, and mean, horrible things - when you've never even done anything but try to get to know them. Strengthening - I hope- to find the courage to cut them loose, let them go and pray that the mutual friend will come to understand and know that it really has nothing to do with them.