Pre-Halloween

My last blog entry shows the up's and down's of being a mother...hoping and wishing for the best for your kids but yet having to let them find out how to do it by themselves. Some problems I still believe are a little too big when it comes to their futures....I'm still learning also. I appreciate my friends that helped to enlighten me on what works for their children. It is true they are not all the same...and to think, I used to know everything about parenting and how I would do it....BEFORE I had kids.

So it's Thursday, tomorrow I have to go into Salt Lake and am having Anthony drive me. Part of me wants to scream "WHAT AM I DOING?!?!!?" and than the other part tries to shut it up by reminding myself he needs the experience. Everyone pray for us please. >.> He has most of my wood wall completed, another small bookcase added and hopefully this weekend between Dean and Anthony, my dad's LARGE shadow box of medals will be finally put up. It's been 4 yrs...wow. Interesting how much you notice that isn't done when you can't help work on it. Ah the life of a control freak =].

We have trunk or treat tomorrow night and I hate buying goodies for regular trick or treators and the trunk or treators. Since everyone at trunk or treat knows me, I am making sugar cookies and unleashing my children on them with icing and decorations =P. Anthony was hoping his little girlfriend was going to be able to come and help pass out treats but it looks like her family has other plans.

There was something else I was going to add but alas it has escaped me for the present time. Guess I'll be back if I think of it. Paix

I simply don't understand...I don't

I don't understand how kids these days simply are too lazy to turn in the work they've done. When they have a failing grade at the end of the term it suddenly dawns on them that "OH CRAP, I'm going to have to do MORE work now - like go to night school". Ugh. I don't understand! My 16 yr old had good grades until he hit mid-year 7th grade Jr High. It was like someone told him, "you're supposed to be an idiot, so act like one" >[...grrr. With all the major stress he in at the beginning of 7th grade - turning 12 (new responsibilities at church), my mother passing away, upcoming piano recital (of which he was the "main attraction" but didn't have his piece memorized), the kid still made the honor roll! Therefore, unquestionably, I have been scratching my head, trying not to pound his head for the past 3 1/2 yrs. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!?!? He's suddenly all nervous, 2 days before end of term - so with A and B days that makes it 1 day before end of term actually, "I have to talk to my teachers, see how I can improve my grade!"....excuse me?!?! If I were your teacher I would laugh in your face...I hope they don't but still - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? I admit that my freshman year in HS I goofed off. I took easy classes - which I didn't really try very hard at and was much more concerned with my "non-social life" than with schoolwork. That lasted about 1/2 a year and than I wised up - my parents weren't happy with me. I was not allowed to bring anything home below a B-....8 kids, car insurance discounts, strict parents - you get the picture. I know that schoolwork is challenging and my husband couldn't bring home below a C - so I have to be lienent to that but I would rather not. If my grade at mid-term was below a B-, which it usually was in Science, I busted my BUTT with the teacher to see how and what I needed to do to get that precious B- within the next month. I got yelled at, questioned, and grounded if anything was below - I do nothing different with my kids - SO WHY DOESN'T IT WORK ON THEM?!?! My parents were scarier? Well yeah probably most definately but your telling me I have to make my children scared of me for them to actually CARE about anything and take any responsibility? That doesn't sound right - I have my share of parental temper tantrums at them but come on - really?

My 8th grader is FAILING HOMEROOM. Does this sound incredulous to anyone else? Homeroom?!?! Since when can homeroom give a grade besides P or F?!?!? My 8th grader is falling into the same rut as his brother. I have tried this both ways....I have pulled in the momma control strings - I have looked up grades each day, gone through backpacks, issued cell phones so that I could text BEFORE they left the building to make sure things were turned in....all it caused was headaches for me, contention in my home and I hated school as much as they. So then I tried the complete opposite....I told them they were in charge, it was their responsibility, I was trusting them....uh hunh....my oldest's gpa went from 3.0 to freakin 1.9 >.>. With a controlling mother he was atleast not going to night school but doing that makes my physically sick these days - the contention and frustration are taking their toll on me. I know there should be some other way...any way, that my children can return to the responsible little stinkers I am raising. Come on... seriously? You take the time and the effort to do the school work and than simply "forget" to turn it in?!? How is that possible when the teacher ASKS for it?!? I don't understand, I want to understand, but I don't understand. I hate mid-term and end of term just as much as my kids. They know I'm disappointed, they are disappointed in themselves...a pep talk only goes so far when it's simply because they didn't turn their work in. A pep talk I can give when the work is done and turned in....I don't know how to "pep" laziness...all my cajoling and pepping hasn't seemed to do any good. I really, really don't understand. Somebody help me? Please.

Interesting Week....I'm getting too old =P

No, by that comment I don't mean that I'm mentally or spiritually too old but that my stupid BODY is. Here is the stupid thing....my body is the way my body is due to no one's neglect but my own. I started having kids at the age of 24 was done at the age of 30. Arthritis kicked in at 23. I always knew I'd get arthritis, my mother and maternal grandmother had arthritis and no matter what anyone in my family previously had or has, since I am the last, I received all the leftover cells with all the hereditary "junk". Lol, it's a running joke in my family. I am 19 yrs younger than my oldest sibling.... do the math... James was 59 last month and I turned 40 in May. I could rattle off all the hereditary "junk" that I've accumulated (wrong word...maybe noticed?) in my past 40 yrs, but all I can see it doing is making you feel great that you don't =P, so I'll just say it all started when I was but 2 wks old with very low white blood count.

I thought I did really well when I got pregnant, let me rephrase that; being pregnant makes me sicker than a dog dying to where I'm almost hospitalized but in turn I hardly gain anything! I hear about these women that gain 50 to 60 pds when pregnant 0_0 really? why? I gained 23 pds with Anthony, 21 lbs with Ben, and 16 lbs with Olivia. Yep, I see where your headed and I concur...if I didn't gain it during pregnancy where did it all come from? I agree, I do not have that excuse. I gained 10 pds that would not budge while nursing and than just being a working mom - with every kid. So that explains 30 lbs, where did the other 40 come from? Stress, laziness, depression, need I go on? When we moved into our little house 12 yrs ago, I went from having a mirror in the bathroom where I could SEE down to my knee's, to a mirrored medicne cabinet that all I had to see was down just below my breasts. NICE!.....BAD!! Yes, I noticed my pants got tighter, I noticed I was starting to get a double chin and I tried my hardest - still do- to try to get rid of that double chin. It will take me a long while to rid myself of what's below my breast line but I hate the double chin. If someone takes a pic of me I delete it. In a picture I cannot not see my double chin - in the mirror, I can stand a certain way, etc. The person I see on film, that the rest of the world looks at? Is someone I don't recognize and someone I don't want to recognize.

My children are sweet and tell me I look fine, on some days I look great and it's taken me a long time to realize that I look great for the me NOW, not the me I still am inside, the me I expect to see when I look in the mirror or at a picture. My struggle these days isn't learning to love the person I've become but making the outside match my insides.

My control freak came out this week and is getting really, REALLY tired of the clutter around my house. Clutter do to unfinished projects that I no longer have the stamina or strength to complete by myself and my teenager has yet to get to. So, this past week I pushed myself. Ok, for most of you, pushing yourself means ran 5 miles, walked 3 miles, cleaned the whole house....I wish. My body has very firmly over the past 2 yrs informed me that I no longer contain the energy to do even small smidgens of those things and if I try, I will than not have enough energy to sleep. *rolls eyes...ugh. For me, pushing myself meant, I walked on the treadmill 30 min, danced 10 min (I miss dancing SO MUCH!), cleaned my kitchen, did 1 load of laundry, fixed dinner and painted maybe 3 ft of bathroom. My bathroom is still not finished but it should be by end of week =] and I have spent the weekend in pain. My body decided that since I was not listening to it, it would make sure I heard it. Friday I started feeling twinges in my back - psh that's normal so what? By Saturday evening - still pushing myself stuff has to get done body don't you understand that?!?!- my back was starting to seize. Yay me!! >/ grrr. So, to anyone who has read my status's on fb lately...I cannot take the time to listen to my body. I have children who need to be places, a household to run, a job that requires 6 hrs a day and than a family to try to be with somewhere in there. Therefore, off I am to take a really, really careful shower, dope myself up with pain med's again, apply an icy/hot patch, and hope that between all that and my wand I'm still moving when Dean gets home tonight....it's PUMPKIN CARVING night! (I already can't scoop a full pumpkin out, I'll be DANGED if I can't carve one now too!)

Happy Halloween Everybody- be safe!