No, by that comment I don't mean that I'm mentally or spiritually too old but that my stupid BODY is. Here is the stupid thing....my body is the way my body is due to no one's neglect but my own. I started having kids at the age of 24 was done at the age of 30. Arthritis kicked in at 23. I always knew I'd get arthritis, my mother and maternal grandmother had arthritis and no matter what anyone in my family previously had or has, since I am the last, I received all the leftover cells with all the hereditary "junk". Lol, it's a running joke in my family. I am 19 yrs younger than my oldest sibling.... do the math... James was 59 last month and I turned 40 in May. I could rattle off all the hereditary "junk" that I've accumulated (wrong word...maybe noticed?) in my past 40 yrs, but all I can see it doing is making you feel great that you don't =P, so I'll just say it all started when I was but 2 wks old with very low white blood count.
I thought I did really well when I got pregnant, let me rephrase that; being pregnant makes me sicker than a dog dying to where I'm almost hospitalized but in turn I hardly gain anything! I hear about these women that gain 50 to 60 pds when pregnant 0_0 really? why? I gained 23 pds with Anthony, 21 lbs with Ben, and 16 lbs with Olivia. Yep, I see where your headed and I concur...if I didn't gain it during pregnancy where did it all come from? I agree, I do not have that excuse. I gained 10 pds that would not budge while nursing and than just being a working mom - with every kid. So that explains 30 lbs, where did the other 40 come from? Stress, laziness, depression, need I go on? When we moved into our little house 12 yrs ago, I went from having a mirror in the bathroom where I could SEE down to my knee's, to a mirrored medicne cabinet that all I had to see was down just below my breasts. NICE!.....BAD!! Yes, I noticed my pants got tighter, I noticed I was starting to get a double chin and I tried my hardest - still do- to try to get rid of that double chin. It will take me a long while to rid myself of what's below my breast line but I hate the double chin. If someone takes a pic of me I delete it. In a picture I cannot not see my double chin - in the mirror, I can stand a certain way, etc. The person I see on film, that the rest of the world looks at? Is someone I don't recognize and someone I don't want to recognize.
My children are sweet and tell me I look fine, on some days I look great and it's taken me a long time to realize that I look great for the me NOW, not the me I still am inside, the me I expect to see when I look in the mirror or at a picture. My struggle these days isn't learning to love the person I've become but making the outside match my insides.
My control freak came out this week and is getting really, REALLY tired of the clutter around my house. Clutter do to unfinished projects that I no longer have the stamina or strength to complete by myself and my teenager has yet to get to. So, this past week I pushed myself. Ok, for most of you, pushing yourself means ran 5 miles, walked 3 miles, cleaned the whole house....I wish. My body has very firmly over the past 2 yrs informed me that I no longer contain the energy to do even small smidgens of those things and if I try, I will than not have enough energy to sleep. *rolls eyes...ugh. For me, pushing myself meant, I walked on the treadmill 30 min, danced 10 min (I miss dancing SO MUCH!), cleaned my kitchen, did 1 load of laundry, fixed dinner and painted maybe 3 ft of bathroom. My bathroom is still not finished but it should be by end of week =] and I have spent the weekend in pain. My body decided that since I was not listening to it, it would make sure I heard it. Friday I started feeling twinges in my back - psh that's normal so what? By Saturday evening - still pushing myself stuff has to get done body don't you understand that?!?!- my back was starting to seize. Yay me!! >/ grrr. So, to anyone who has read my status's on fb lately...I cannot take the time to listen to my body. I have children who need to be places, a household to run, a job that requires 6 hrs a day and than a family to try to be with somewhere in there. Therefore, off I am to take a really, really careful shower, dope myself up with pain med's again, apply an icy/hot patch, and hope that between all that and my wand I'm still moving when Dean gets home tonight....it's PUMPKIN CARVING night! (I already can't scoop a full pumpkin out, I'll be DANGED if I can't carve one now too!)
Happy Halloween Everybody- be safe!
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