What a week....

The week before Christmas has become more and more hectic with each passing year. Drives me insane since that is the time I like to finalize ....EVERYTHING...gifts, goodies, idea's..you get the idea. However, it seems that the school system has decided that they too MUST finalize before the break >/. Two concerts (one a freakin' 3 hrs long 0_0), dates, basketball games, work and yeah - I decided on Christmas Eve that I was just ...done. I had no energy left to try to accomplish the items on MY list and my nerves were on dangerous edge - not willing to come down.

We drove to Bountiful Christmas Eve morning and had brunch with my siblings. It's always nice to get together but sorry, I still feel like I don't fit in. James, as always, asked his "deep" questions that he wanted everyone to answer. This time it was "What do you think you were fore-0rdained for" and "What in 2011 can you do different for your family?". I was grumpy, I was tired, and all my brain could come up with was..."I have NO idea". Therefore, I passed. I didn't say and that might have made one or two siblings unhappy with me but it's a free country right? Why DO I have to answer those questions if I don't want to and can't think of anything? I know, I'm worrying about something silly and it's past and I would be told to just let it go - ok, it's gone. =] On the way home, we stopped to get a dragon heat lamp and some other goodies to go with the fact that I wasn't cooking my normal full Christmas Eve dinner. As we pulled up in the drive-way, my brother-in-law and his family pulled in behind us. We slapped the turkey in the oven, got the munchies out and went downstairs to watch "Despicable Me". ha ha ha ha "butt" ha ha ha ha...Light Bulb....No. Does that tell you I LOVED IT?!?! I actually saw it - that was the other thing that week - with my sisters on Wednesday afternoon. Dean wanted to see it and my inlaws hadn't so we rented it. All of us loved it - great movie. - side note: I kept seeing little "cameo's" of other movies, like Monsters, Inc, Nightmare Before Christmas, etc. Take another watch and see if you don't see them.-

The inlaws went home and we opened one Christmas present each - Anthony opened his "Womp'em " gloves, Ben opened his new micro foam pillow, Olivia opened her Snuggy, Dean opened a family gift from Boo - a cute new ornament from NY, and I opened a beautiful inspirational calendar from Reba. We read the Christmas story from Luke and all went to bed. We received a call around 10 pm from my sister. She and her family were spending Christmas at home this year instead of at their cabin, but, her hubby had forgotten his phone so they traveled up to the cabin to retrieve it and just check on things. They got stuck in a snowdrift. The plow dude in his cat pulled them out and proceeded to pull them into a LARGER snowdrift. Needless to say, they were stuck at the cabin overnight. Dean and Anthony went to their rescue at 8:30 Christmas morning. Ben and I got up around 11:30 am - ahhh and Olivia wandered around, watched tv and just stared at the presents under the tree until Dean and Anthony returned. My one disappointment was that the new "Fire Drums" Hoodie for Anthony was an exact fit - ugh - hoodies are supposed to be baggy. So, sending that one back this week and hoping that before his birthday in August they get more in to ship him a new one. bah
We all just kind of did nothing the rest of Christmas day, it was wonderful. Leftover turkey, rolls, candy, etc was all out to munch on throughout the day and watched "The Last Airbender". Okay, that movie gets 10 thumbs DOWN - I don't recommend it at all, it was hard to keep my Ang fans in the room to even finish the movie. On a good note, we finished the night watching "Cake Wars"- 3 episodes in a row! We have decided who we want to win and it continues tonight (Monday) - go Megan!

This week should be much better. I've already finished reading a book "When Christmas Comes", a very easy read slight romance. It was nice. I have the Hunger Games and one other upstairs to read, plus 2 caterer ones from my Pat. I have Mon-Wed off, go into SL to work on Thurs and than have Fri off - lol WEIRD - but that's okay! Time off is awesome. =] Anthony has a full week of "hang outs" which he is excited for, Shannyn is here video gaming today, not sure who is coming on Wed (don't know her), and hopefully Arianna for movie marathons at the end of the week. =] This is what I prefer, no single girlfriend to cause drama but lots of cute friends that are girls and just like to have fun with him. =] YAY.

Life is a matter of Trust

To start off I guess I need to get something small off my chest..yeah, that's what this blog is all about lol. That's exactly it. I know other people probably don't enjoy my delves into thought and emotion and that's why there's free choice. You can read or not read, I am not offended, in fact it only tells me cities people read from so I have no idea if you do or don't. However, if someone works out for themselves, something that I am prattling on about, than I feel that I've helped and I just have to hold onto that thought.

Ok enough of that. This is all about trust issues. I was raised to trust and be someone that others could trust. I wasn't raised perfect and have never claimed to be...in fact, that is my "perfection" complex, the fact that I don't feel that I ever can be - never good enough, never smart enough, never going to please everyone - yes, yes, I know these are unrealistic expectations but I'm sure you have your own little idiosyncracies also. How do you live a life not fulling trusting anyone? I've been hurt, I've been a complete idiot, but I continually want to believe that there is good in everyone and that there is some part in them that I can trust. Yes, I realize that this thinking might be idyllistic in today's world, yet, I am not of the type to give up on people. There IS good in everyone, sometimes you just have to look and dig deep and not give up because its been buried by years of hurt or shame. Therefore my issue....I have lost the trust of someone very dear to me. I do not know this person physically per say, because I know them online and therefore, emotionally . Granted, there are many who do not trust anyone they do not know in person, let alone online and so I'm sure there are many that are reading this and saying - "how do you know that you know this person emotionally when you have never met them?" "how can you verify that and put your own trust out there?" "what are you trusting them with?". I have had many online friends through online gaming over the past 4 years. Many of them have lied to me, have used me, but I ask you, what is the difference between them and someone who lies directly to your face? There is none, what's more, I can't see any benefit that someone who doesn't know me even gets from lying to me - but that's another aside.

Those that DO know me personally and physically know that I am nosey, too curious for my own good and that even though it is well meaning, it is not always appreciated. I admit, I am the Gladys Cravits of my neighborhood - probably because I'm the only one always around and we have a great group of neighbors that have all lived here for 30+ yrs and take care of each other - I've lived here 12 now, for that reason exactly. I don't know why and maybe because of this I tend to abuse it, yet I find that most people will open up and talk to me, trust me with their kids, etc when they haven't known me for very long. I am beyond honored and amazed when it does happen, and grateful that they would even consider me. Blah blah blah, I'm prattling on again and digress. I have sent packages, cards, whatever to online friends, I have cell numbers - I even had one's passwords to IM's and emails (I know- scary).

I met a friend and only knew them by pirate name and in game. I than joined his crew and got to know him slightly more. This person has trust issue's I've never experienced before in my life, my heart aches for him and the crap his life has given him. I gained this person's trust - not easily, and not quickly. Than because I was curious, I was desperate, and admittedly stupid - I lost it in the blink of an eye. Six weeks later when I finally was able to speak with him again - after making a total and complete jackass out of myself - we discussed the occasion and came to a tentative pact. His question still plays in my mind, over and over - "I hope you don't expect me to ever trust you again, cause I can't...can you live with that? A friendship with no trust?" Silly, ridiculous me said "sure". This was all the end of July and August. I barely speak with this friend anymore - a friend that I could chat online with non-stop for 9 hrs while I worked and he simply couldn't sleep. Things aren't the same, they never will be I fear and am realizing more and more with each passing day. I deleted his cell # so that I wouldn't random text when I needed an ear and mistakenly wake him up. You get a bond with some people you know? Those that you just know - hard to explain, it's only happened to me with about 5 people in 40 years. That bond is either gone or ignored on his side now...okay. I can hear most of you telling me now, cut the strings, let go it isn't a healthy relationship on your side anymore if it just causes you pain. For a person with a limited number of people that she can call "close" friends, this is hard to do. I think I've written (in my mind) about 10 good bye, have a nice life letters and than cried myself to sleep - losing a friend kind of like re-losing my mom. Strange thing is that the day after I play that in my head, I get a text or msg the next day.

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhh....You can't make someone be your friend or care, who no longer wants to, no matter what they verbally tell you. Isn't this one of the most difficult lessons to learn in life for all of us? Learning to accept who we are, who others are, and loving them no matter their thought or non-thought of us. I think I will work on this past the grave. gah

Freakin' losing my mind....

So, I thought I was doing better. I knew I wasn't whole again or by any means 100 percent myself but I also know that my family needed me to be, so I thought I've done a pretty good job of disguising myself. Lol, yeah, if my husband reads this he'll be like, "that was disguising?" Yes dear. Honestly, you have no idea.

I am SO TIRED of being negative!! I don't want to be negative about myself, around others, I know from being around my mom - you love them but other people don't want to be around negativity either! Therefore, they start shutting you off, the start avoiding you, and you can see it and it hurts and than more negativity piles itself on. You blame yourself, there is no one else to blame but it doesn't help the matter. I went to see Sarah today - for the first time in I don't know how long - way, way too long. It was a feet only appt ie: foot massage mixed with helping to get all my bodily systems back to normal parameters (yeah, you can do that through your feet =]). Let's just say, it took her 50 min on ONE FOOT! *sigh yeah, it's been too long. I started detoxing about 30 min later, really tired but than started moving to get errands done and unfortunately, NOW I'm awake! =P Your perspective changes when everything is working in harmony together, when you start to actually relax. No, relaxation is not something I can do naturally and isn't coming really easy as a learned skill either, but I keep trying. My mood and perspective shift with the day, during the day, without warning - no I am not bipolar =P sheesh. I simply have some really messed up hormones and endocrine levels and a really negative self-esteem - you've heard that there are some people who just can't get along with themselves? Yep, that would be me. For example, I never see, nor talk to anyone online anymore. Last night, out of the blue, for the first time in weeks - I got a text from one of them. After weeks of wishing to talk to someone, particularly this person, the convo lasted about 5 minutes and than became awkward, became misreading and misunderstanding texts and than a quick shut off from both ends. I used to could talk to this person for 9 hrs and finally have to say - AHHH I have to SLEEP! We don't last 5 minutes now....what have I done? Yes, I blame myself for the instigation - I know that I have no control over what people think or do but I also know that I have to accept the consequence for my action that changed everything. No, I don't like it but I can't change what happened, I've said sorry, I've been forgiven, but I will never have my friend back...this person now doesn't know what to say, takes my meanings totally out of conjection and we always seem to be at odds now. Lol, why stay you say? Well there really is no "staying or going" with online friends since you really aren't "real" in their life anyways. Besides, I think on both ends once you consider someone family, no matter what they do, you still have feelings and want to talk, etc but you just don't know how anymore or what to do with them (the feelings).

Christmas is in 2 weeks, I think I have all my shopping done - fingers crossed but I have no tree up, only 2 or 3 decorations out and no baking done. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It's driving me nuts! I want to decorate, I want to play, enjoy the holiday, craft and bake with my kids, laugh and giggle and make memories. *sigh, back to work....I have bedrooms to paint and switch the next 2 days and THAN I can start some of my decorating. Paix