So, I thought I was doing better. I knew I wasn't whole again or by any means 100 percent myself but I also know that my family needed me to be, so I thought I've done a pretty good job of disguising myself. Lol, yeah, if my husband reads this he'll be like, "that was disguising?" Yes dear. Honestly, you have no idea.
I am SO TIRED of being negative!! I don't want to be negative about myself, around others, I know from being around my mom - you love them but other people don't want to be around negativity either! Therefore, they start shutting you off, the start avoiding you, and you can see it and it hurts and than more negativity piles itself on. You blame yourself, there is no one else to blame but it doesn't help the matter. I went to see Sarah today - for the first time in I don't know how long - way, way too long. It was a feet only appt ie: foot massage mixed with helping to get all my bodily systems back to normal parameters (yeah, you can do that through your feet =]). Let's just say, it took her 50 min on ONE FOOT! *sigh yeah, it's been too long. I started detoxing about 30 min later, really tired but than started moving to get errands done and unfortunately, NOW I'm awake! =P Your perspective changes when everything is working in harmony together, when you start to actually relax. No, relaxation is not something I can do naturally and isn't coming really easy as a learned skill either, but I keep trying. My mood and perspective shift with the day, during the day, without warning - no I am not bipolar =P sheesh. I simply have some really messed up hormones and endocrine levels and a really negative self-esteem - you've heard that there are some people who just can't get along with themselves? Yep, that would be me. For example, I never see, nor talk to anyone online anymore. Last night, out of the blue, for the first time in weeks - I got a text from one of them. After weeks of wishing to talk to someone, particularly this person, the convo lasted about 5 minutes and than became awkward, became misreading and misunderstanding texts and than a quick shut off from both ends. I used to could talk to this person for 9 hrs and finally have to say - AHHH I have to SLEEP! We don't last 5 minutes now....what have I done? Yes, I blame myself for the instigation - I know that I have no control over what people think or do but I also know that I have to accept the consequence for my action that changed everything. No, I don't like it but I can't change what happened, I've said sorry, I've been forgiven, but I will never have my friend back...this person now doesn't know what to say, takes my meanings totally out of conjection and we always seem to be at odds now. Lol, why stay you say? Well there really is no "staying or going" with online friends since you really aren't "real" in their life anyways. Besides, I think on both ends once you consider someone family, no matter what they do, you still have feelings and want to talk, etc but you just don't know how anymore or what to do with them (the feelings).
Christmas is in 2 weeks, I think I have all my shopping done - fingers crossed but I have no tree up, only 2 or 3 decorations out and no baking done. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It's driving me nuts! I want to decorate, I want to play, enjoy the holiday, craft and bake with my kids, laugh and giggle and make memories. *sigh, back to work....I have bedrooms to paint and switch the next 2 days and THAN I can start some of my decorating. Paix
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