To start off I guess I need to get something small off my chest..yeah, that's what this blog is all about lol. That's exactly it. I know other people probably don't enjoy my delves into thought and emotion and that's why there's free choice. You can read or not read, I am not offended, in fact it only tells me cities people read from so I have no idea if you do or don't. However, if someone works out for themselves, something that I am prattling on about, than I feel that I've helped and I just have to hold onto that thought.
Ok enough of that. This is all about trust issues. I was raised to trust and be someone that others could trust. I wasn't raised perfect and have never claimed to be...in fact, that is my "perfection" complex, the fact that I don't feel that I ever can be - never good enough, never smart enough, never going to please everyone - yes, yes, I know these are unrealistic expectations but I'm sure you have your own little idiosyncracies also. How do you live a life not fulling trusting anyone? I've been hurt, I've been a complete idiot, but I continually want to believe that there is good in everyone and that there is some part in them that I can trust. Yes, I realize that this thinking might be idyllistic in today's world, yet, I am not of the type to give up on people. There IS good in everyone, sometimes you just have to look and dig deep and not give up because its been buried by years of hurt or shame. Therefore my issue....I have lost the trust of someone very dear to me. I do not know this person physically per say, because I know them online and therefore, emotionally . Granted, there are many who do not trust anyone they do not know in person, let alone online and so I'm sure there are many that are reading this and saying - "how do you know that you know this person emotionally when you have never met them?" "how can you verify that and put your own trust out there?" "what are you trusting them with?". I have had many online friends through online gaming over the past 4 years. Many of them have lied to me, have used me, but I ask you, what is the difference between them and someone who lies directly to your face? There is none, what's more, I can't see any benefit that someone who doesn't know me even gets from lying to me - but that's another aside.
Those that DO know me personally and physically know that I am nosey, too curious for my own good and that even though it is well meaning, it is not always appreciated. I admit, I am the Gladys Cravits of my neighborhood - probably because I'm the only one always around and we have a great group of neighbors that have all lived here for 30+ yrs and take care of each other - I've lived here 12 now, for that reason exactly. I don't know why and maybe because of this I tend to abuse it, yet I find that most people will open up and talk to me, trust me with their kids, etc when they haven't known me for very long. I am beyond honored and amazed when it does happen, and grateful that they would even consider me. Blah blah blah, I'm prattling on again and digress. I have sent packages, cards, whatever to online friends, I have cell numbers - I even had one's passwords to IM's and emails (I know- scary).
I met a friend and only knew them by pirate name and in game. I than joined his crew and got to know him slightly more. This person has trust issue's I've never experienced before in my life, my heart aches for him and the crap his life has given him. I gained this person's trust - not easily, and not quickly. Than because I was curious, I was desperate, and admittedly stupid - I lost it in the blink of an eye. Six weeks later when I finally was able to speak with him again - after making a total and complete jackass out of myself - we discussed the occasion and came to a tentative pact. His question still plays in my mind, over and over - "I hope you don't expect me to ever trust you again, cause I can't...can you live with that? A friendship with no trust?" Silly, ridiculous me said "sure". This was all the end of July and August. I barely speak with this friend anymore - a friend that I could chat online with non-stop for 9 hrs while I worked and he simply couldn't sleep. Things aren't the same, they never will be I fear and am realizing more and more with each passing day. I deleted his cell # so that I wouldn't random text when I needed an ear and mistakenly wake him up. You get a bond with some people you know? Those that you just know - hard to explain, it's only happened to me with about 5 people in 40 years. That bond is either gone or ignored on his side now...okay. I can hear most of you telling me now, cut the strings, let go it isn't a healthy relationship on your side anymore if it just causes you pain. For a person with a limited number of people that she can call "close" friends, this is hard to do. I think I've written (in my mind) about 10 good bye, have a nice life letters and than cried myself to sleep - losing a friend kind of like re-losing my mom. Strange thing is that the day after I play that in my head, I get a text or msg the next day.
*sighhhhhhhhhhhhh....You can't make someone be your friend or care, who no longer wants to, no matter what they verbally tell you. Isn't this one of the most difficult lessons to learn in life for all of us? Learning to accept who we are, who others are, and loving them no matter their thought or non-thought of us. I think I will work on this past the grave. gah
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