Respect

Different thoughts keep running through my mind yet they all have to do with the same word ... respect. 

I am not so staunch anymore to where I took up the fight anytime I saw someone disrespecting anything - my PTSD has done that to me.  I sit back more as to not purposefully trigger my fight or flight because I will stand and fight and it will hurt me.  My instinct now though is flight, get away from the confrontation but I am too stubborn for that; therefore, not only am I wrestling with myself and trying to tamp down that response, I am carving myself up inside by staying in the confrontation.  Why must things be a confrontation?  Because we are all human, no one likes to be told they are doing something wrong and why does that person feel they can tell you anything?

This is one of my points, respect.  Can you see how it is missing these days?  You are no longer allowed to give instruction on the way something should be done for that infringes upon their "rights" and individual freedoms.  So how does anyone learn what is right and what is wrong?  People are born with a conscience yet some have gauges that are slightly off in that department.  If you cannot teach by word, I ask we start teaching by example. 

Again, respect.  Are little things you do everyday teaching it or teaching it's okay to not have it?  Thought process examples:  This is my neighborhood, I can run around and play in the neighbors yard whether they are home or not, without permission, maybe I trampled a couple of flowers or threw their rocks but hey this is MY playground.  This is a sore subject with many who have little kids, I heard it when my kids were little.  Neighbors don't mind, etc etc.  Possibly neighbors don't want a confrontation because they are neighbors.  When on walks do we stick to the sidewalk staying off lawns and flowers, cleaning up after the dog that is with you?  Do we simply let our pets outdoors with no regard as to whose yard they take care of their business in?  Have you ever said, That's not your yard?  Don't get me wrong, my house was the neighborhood house, plus the cub scout house for over 14 yrs.  During that time I had MANY  occasions to help little boys from the neighborhood and girls realize they weren't in THEIR own homes, they were in MINE.  They weren't in their own yard, they were in MINE - thank you for breaking that board in my fence deliberately with your hammer, it doesn't matter that it looked worn, it was holding out until I could replace it.  Kids played night games and often used my back yard until I caught them, from than on, they asked permission - wow, an amazing idea.  That is my point, don't get all mad because I said your kids are in the neighbors yard, simply ask.

Thought example:  This concert is soooooooo boring, I think I'll text my best friend, if I hunch over no one will see the light and you really don't mind if I share this thought with you right this minute right?  I took my daughter to an Orchestra Concert for her mid-term project.  I was appalled at her behavior.  Her feet went up on the auditorium seat in front her, she texted, she whispered (thankfully whispered not talked).... AHHHH!  Okay, I already have a problem with her sitting like a young lady wherever we are and I will continue to work on that process - ugh.  People put in HOURS of practice to entertain people who DO want to be there, both the performers and their parents, audience deserve to listen in peace and quiet.  Cell phones should be banned from such venue's, although I know many people use them for directions and pictures of the performances.  Again, not only has someone's time been spent preparing for this event, but most likely (if at the movies) you have paid good money to be there, and TIME to be there and enjoy.

It simply feels that no one has respect for anyone anymore.  It has turned into a world of total ME, ME, ME all the time.  I can't respect anyone else's rights because it doesn't agree with MY opinion.  I need to be first, I need to be included, I need to be entertained - it is all about the ME's and I's and no longer inclusive of family or community.   Maybe more of us, myself included, should be more careful of how and what we do, for more than little eyes are watching - big ones are too.  When mistakes are made, simply correct and move on, no one is perfect.

Paix

Awoken by the rain...

I love the rain; the smell, the feel, the sight, and the sound.  I guess you could say it appeals to 5 of my 6 senses which makes it almost perfect.  The fact that it delivers nourishment and relief to my flowerbeds that have been suffering in the over seasonably heat just makes it that much better.  I love flowers, they appeal to 5 of my 6 senses also; unfortunately, I don't always have the time or energy since my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) came into full rage to tend or cultivate them.  Doesn't mean I've stopped buying them or trying, it simply means that sometimes I have to acknowledge that I still can't do everything I used to and learn to be okay with it if some of my beautiful flowers die on my watch.  Not a happy thought, as a recovering perfectionist, but hey, I'm recovering isn't that the point? :)

Over the past month, since my last uplifting appointment with my reflexologist Sarah, I have noticed that I have started to be "interested" in things again.  Its hard to describe, almost like awaking from a deep sleep, remembering the things that used to interest and excite you, remembering your dreams and wants you had in life.  While this is all good and great, it is still frustrating.  Wanting what you used to have; yet still having the limitations of your illness is hard.  Wanting to be normal again, putting on that 'I'm normal" face for everyone each day (yes, I admit it is easier to fake being normal than try to explain to people for the umpteenth time - people who should already know) and than coming home and paying the consequences and having those who accept me and my limitations paying also.  That is one of the hardest things of being ill, what it does to my kids and my husband.  I see them want what used to be and it hurts me not to be able to give it to them.  Anthony wrote me a letter in response to my telling him about my appointment last month.  It broke my heart to hear him say, "I almost started crying at my farewell, as I sat on the stand and looked out and saw ALL my family sitting there together.  I do hope you continue to do better so that when I get home we can go and do things together again."  That just breaks my heart, what have I done to my children?  I know it isn't really me doing it because there is honestly nothing that can be done in regards to some of my symptoms.  That is the hardest for others to understand and accept- you can't and will never be completely fixed or whole again.  It isn't something you chose to have happen to you, who knows if it is anything that could have been avoided, but wishing and wanting don't fix and don't make it go away. 

I have noticed that since this experience began many things have changed about me and looking back I wouldn't change the new way I look at people and things around me at all.  I feel that I used to be too judgmental, claiming that I wasn't and more critical than I wanted to be.  Intermittent showers all day today, equals cleansing for the soul and a renewing of the Earth.  Dinner tonight with good friends that don't expect my mask when I show up and fully accept whatever face comes, how thankful I am for them.

Paix

WOW...a long time has past.

I realized the other day that it has been FOREVER since I've blogged.  I update Anthony's missionary blog at least once a week (okay, I try >.<)  

I decided that one of the many reasons for this lapse is simple, not on my mind.  I now work away from home; unlike 19 yrs previous, I started working for my sister 3 yrs ago.  I am on the internet but working, not blogging.  I get home and my laptop DIED 2 yrs ago and I'm not about to type enough stuff for a blog on a kindle with a stupid spell check and one fingering.  That would be annoying beyond.

I have decided and hope it is possible to be able to start sharing my discoveries and self healing from the past 6 yrs with PTSD.  Does that mean I am cured - ha ha ha ha ha breathe...oh heck no!  PTSD is not curable but it can sometimes be managed in degree's so that the rest can hopefully be put on shelf.  When it all shows up at once, that is not a good day, life, or time for anyone with in my near vicinity.  I know that people don't understand PTSD, what causes it, its symptoms and physical limitations; mainly because has similiar cause and effect yet just as each person is different, it manifests itself differently in each person.

So back in the habit of sharing daily, give me time lol, this won't be easy to remember to do and at times sharing puts me back in the red zone and isn't healthy.  But I shall try and endeavor if all of you try to read with an open mind and an understanding heart.

Paix