I'm on overload. It is definitely a Maroon 5 day - a day of rewinding through memories to find some peace or comfort. A friend we've been expecting to pass away finally has, my son I thought I had for another year before his mission is leaving tomorrow.
I think the Lord knows that when something important in my life is going to happen it has to just HIT. I met Dean on New Years Day 1991. Engaged 2 weeks later, married on Mar 30, 1991. Olivia's head was misshaped and worrying me. Pediatrician got her scheduled 4 days later for an xray at PCMC, an appt with the neuro surgeon a week later and surgery the week after that. 0.0 Anthony put in his papers Nov 18th, got his call Nov 28th - entering the MTC Jan 23rd. I believe the Lord knows that if I have time to breathe, I'll than react. If I don't have the time, than I fall apart and all the nerves display afterwards. Hence, yep still dealing with the PTSD.
As I was taking a break at work, these thoughts came to me and for once I decided I needed to get them out while they were forward in my mind and not just let them accumulate until I couldn't remember exactly what they were. I was thinking about "why" ... why is it different when your son leaves on a mission than when he simply leaves home? Absence of contact. Pure and simple, absence of motherly contact. No phone calls to hear your childs voice and confirm that they are fine like they say or hear that something in their voice. Hearing that they are hurt or ill and not being able to go to them for comfort or care. Not being able to "touch" (important to me) when they are down or in need of support or inspiration. It's not cutting the apron ties, you know he is leaving for a strong, good purpose. You believe and you trust that he will be in the Lord's hands. It's more like severing the umbilical cord again. For 9 months you nourished, talked to, sang to, loved, felt every movement and your child depended on you, lived under your heart and heard it beat. Giving birth is difficult, painful and not a fun experience. Yet when the doctor places that baby in your arms to hold and take care of ...nothing can compare. Therefore, I'm using the analogy that raising your child is like being pregnant, a mission like giving birth, and the homecoming of an honorable young boy, now a man - like having him placed in your arms at birth, all over again.
While thinking about this it also occured to me, one of the most painful things for the mom is not hearing from her son. He could be fine, he could be healthy, strong, and serving and doing what he needs to get done - but doesn't have time to write home. How precious are those calls on Mother's Day and Christmas. A big holiday when you are remembered, when you get to hear your son/daughters voice and know that you are still apart of their lives, still thought of. The thought was given to me that I have a Heavenly Father that feels exactly the same. When I don't say my prayers does he wish I would talk to him? Does he long to hear from me just because I'm his child? Sure he knows what is going on in my life but isn't it always better when you hear it directly from the source? How often do I think of him and rely on him - only on Holidays? Only in times of sorrow or trial? Wouldn't I feel better and have more peace if I shared all my joys, my excitement, my hopes and dreams instead of just my sorrow and disgust? It's something to think about.
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