People Pleasing

=] Well, 2 days later, 4 lbs lighter and some really bad nights sleep; I'm hoping that I finally have a grip on things. My goal today was to help myself feel better; I went and got myself lunch to see if I would actually eat something (0-0 I know, don't pass out from shock! lol), I upped my anxiety dosage in hopes of not having to take the medication that actually makes my depression worse. And THAN, I sent an email and wrote a note on a wall.

Let me explain; over the past month I have made a real mess of 2 of my important relationships, my self adopted sons Tyler and Brandon. Yeah, I could literally be their birth mom's, which might be why they occasionally call me mom but they were really, really good friends. Somewhere in the jumbled mess my moods were making of my life- they got caught in the middle - hard as I tried to not let them. I thought I was handling things better than last year but my mistake.

I am a people pleaser - might explain a lot of my anxiety, but in some cases I think it's a good thing. Like making me ask for forgiveness so that I can forgive myself. Whether it's my fault or not, I simply cannot handle people mad at me; the closer the relationship to me, the worse my anxiety/depression gets. So, following the advice of "The Prodigal Son", once my head re-affirms itself, I send apologies. It's important to me that whoever it is, they understand why I did what I did, and that I regret the consequence that has resulted from it. At times too much damage has been done, but even if the relationship is not repaired - the hope that I am not thought of as a monster but maybe just as a "demented soul" lol - makes me feel a little better that perhaps one less person hates me.

Some might look at this as wrong but I look at it slightly different. When I think I'm right and have argued- I'm just as much to blame as the person who I feel is wrong because my pride will not let me say I'm sorry. Are good relationships really worth your pride? I've learned they are not. My friends, memories of friends, knowledge and family are all I will take with me when I leave this life. I would really like to have those with me than just a sorry lot of pride and loneliness.