Have you ever noticed that the word "whatever" is always said derogatory when used by itself? Whether said by unhappy teenagers in response to a parental decision, teacher assignment, punishment even....or said by adults- it never means a good thing.
Lately I've been hearing that word alot. Partially from Anthony who has suddenly realized that sitting on his butt after school is no longer an option and is grieving for his younger days and partially from those I consider friends. Yeah why would you be friends with someone who seems to repeatedly be saying to you "whatever, I'm sick of the bs". Yeah, hence my status on fb. It seems that I am the bs, they aren't saying specifically that I am yet when one hears this term used liberally enough and they are associated with the matter - one tends to start to believe it. So, how do personal feelings, thoughts and actions of one person turn into the bs spoken of by another? I don't exactly know. I don't know that I want to know. You know all this soul searching and learning to love yourself really hurts. There are parts of everyone that you hide from the world. Sometimes you allow a few people to see that, hoping for acceptance, hoping that what you hide isn't as bad as it seems to you. nuff said.
So, now it's 2:30 in the morning and instead of sleeping I'm crying. I hoped and I prayed and felt good about talking out differences with my friend and sort of beginning again. Maybe that's not possible, maybe this person can't forgive or let go. I know that when I hear those words out of their mouth it stabs me in the heart. "You have to re-earn my trust", maybe trust wasn't the only thing - maybe they didn't realize that they really had no idea how much bs I was capable of or made of. Maybe we all are.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much and that things haven't gone the way you wanted them to. I know you've tried really hard to do everything you can to make it right. Remember, though, that relationships require two people. It may be that your friend isn't emotionally able to be there in the way you want him/her to be, and that may have nothing to do with you at all. People sometimes have lots of hidden baggage and that can get in the way, no matter how hard you've tried.
One of the hardest things we have to learn is to accept painful situations for what they are and move on, but that's often what's necessary to gain peace. I hope you find yours.
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