Pondering...........

Cherisa is here for the week while she attends a "dance conference" in Salt Lake. It's always fun to have her, the kids love her and we always end up in some interesting convo's- lol. It has been an interesting month from last month through now, so I hope she remembers that we aren't (especially me) always like this.

I hope that most of you know that I use this as a "pondering" page if you will. It's actually good therapy to get the crud stuck in your mind- OUT - and into the written word. For some reason, it's more "real" if it's written down, you than can't take those words back, even if you have an eraser or backspace, your mind will always remember what it saw. It's rather frightening to do that with intimate subjects, subjects that maybe you don't want anyone else to know have crossed your mind. I must say though, I have ventured into that, written something - let someone else who it involved read it and than WOW - I didn't really feel that way anymore, it was so liberating. When words are written down and you claim them as your own, you than must accept and face the thoughts that you have been experiencing. You can no longer justify or simply push away in the back until later.

I'm hoping that today's post will help me regarding friends. This is not a pity post, this is simply the way it is as seen through MY eyes - other people may see it differently, because we are not all the same. High School was not my favorite time of life. I had friends, that maybe I shouldn't have, did and said things I know I shouldn't have, and than finally came into myself, accepted myself and from there on, HS was great. Unfortunately that didn't happen until Sr year =] but it did last through my single years and until I got pregnant with Anthony (soon to be 16). I was confident, had fun, lived my religion and had friends - yeah I was a work-aholic too. My phsycologist says that I am a people person, I couldn't agree with her more. I thrive on physical contact, helping people, making people happy, you get the idea. I am not blaming anyone or anything just trying to accept and change my mindset by putting things down - just clarifying. When Anthony was born I was supposed to start being a stay at mom, well I was and I am - I've worked from home now for 16 years. It isn't all it's cracked up to be, far from it when you have little ones or even big ones needing and wanting your attention. I need to acknowledge that my current job which I have held for 13 1/2 yrs, was a Godsend and still blesses our lives. In the current world of unemployment, I am still grateful for my job and the help it gives us to pay our bills each payperiod. Back to people- sorry got sidetracked. For 16 yrs now it's been me, my computer, my telephone, and my children. It didn't bother me until about 4 yrs ago when my mother passed. I'm thinking right now that might be because I called my mom and my sister (they worked together) every day- they were my "office chatter" if you will. When that ended I started feeling more alone - phone doesn't ring, kids are all now fully in school. I thought I would like this time, but I don't. Therefore, I have reached out to "online" friends. People that are on their computers for whatever reason at the same times I am - people that I was playing MMORPG games with. A few of these people became really good friends.

Cultures are different because of religion or lack thereof. Needless to say, I am very different from anyone any of these people have ever encountered. For awhile I believe its nice and they like me because I am different. Than after a year or two I seem to be more of a meddler than I do a friend. Most of these people are not used to anyone truely caring about them - I believe because of that, my caring becomes "stifling". Now, if I knew these people in real life, things may have still turned out the same way or we would still be friends, idk. My problem lies with "real friend" lines and "online friend" lines. I'm dumb enough I didn't know there was a difference - to me, a friend is a friend- a best friend a unique treasure that I try to hold onto - maybe trying too hard. I've been thinking this past month of how naive, how stupid I can be. Part of me tells me this is true and I believe it, another part tells me no I am different and the people knew that, their loss. That's easy to say to my kids, it's not so easy to say to yourself when it feels like part of your soul has been ripped away from you. Losing a best friend is like losing my mom all over again. The thought of never talking to that person again, never sharing a laugh, stupid joke, whatever - seems unbelievable. I suppose what makes it unbelievable is the misunderstanding that created it (the preventable illness) and how much it hurts to finally understand that a person doesn't value you as much as you did them. =] You can't change them, you can't make them, and it only makes you seem more of baby, more desperate when you try. There is no answer for this, everyone has their free agency. At times, I would rather that their free agency didn't squash mine to pieces.